Stepping Outside The Shadows Of Myself

Stepping Outside The Shadows Of Myself

Mar 25, 2023 | Love

Those two boys to my left are my sons when they were much younger and I subscribed to a much different paradigm of life, so different in fact that what I am about to write would have been unthinkable when this photo was taken.

All my life, I have hid behind my ability to write, spin tales, mesmerize (myself) with philosophical anecdotes that I now believe reflected a very limited conscious awareness of me and the world. As a white man, I am afforded the opportunity to not have to cultivate the ability to engage in any kind of ‘double consciousness.’ This term describes how marginalized peoples view themselves due to their racialized and other forms of oppression and devaluation in a white-dominated society.

My Consciousness
This kind of consciousness, however, leads to deeper reflections of self, world, and the relationship between the two. As a white man, I have not had to look at myself or my actions in such deep ways or through the eyes of others.

In my doctoral program, my focus is on transformation and dismantling the hero’s journey as a relevant conceptual metaphor in a world in the midst of an ecological crisis. This crisis, I contend, begins in the heart—and for me as a white man, I must deconstruct thousands of years’ worth of cultural assumptions in order to understand my heart or that of any other life form.

My Heart

My Heart
To reconnect with my heart, I must open it up and share it. A couple months ago, a friend of mine in the PhD program at California Institute of Integral Studies (CIIS) put up a post about being vulnerable and sharing one’s heart and how that is the absolute most powerful action one can commit. The sentiment rocked my world, and I realized that is the one thing I had never done in my entire life.

No, I have hid from people all my life, fearing that my delicate sensitivities could not withstand the harsh realities of the world. I packaged myself for people. I’m the philosopher, the dad, (secretly) heartfelt man, the writer, the marketer, the fundraiser, etc. What I did not realize, however, was that I was a fraud.

Not once in my life, until recently, had I shared my pain. I held and compartmentalized everything inside. I held my pain, and what I have realized is not only is that weak, it is destructive—and I refuse to continue the charade that was my life.

My Pain
My two sons are in jail and have been for a few years. I have privately held onto this pain and cry by myself. I even held this information from my partner, who lived apart from me. I could not bring myself to share my story, and the damage that I caused by holding back my pain and vulnerability is unfathomable.

I fell into such a dark place in my heart, but I acted as if I was fine. I had press releases to write, websites to build, boxes to check, miles to run. I was fine, I said, to my parents. I shared my life with no one. I thought I was ‘the hero’ in my own story.

As I continue to evolve and explore transsubjectivity, a liminal space in which my conscious interpretation of reality both informs and is informed by my experiences of everything, I feel an interconnectedness. I am no longer a single man alone on some path, but rather a strand woven into myself, others, and the world. I was not fine. I had a broken heart and slipped into a deep and dark depression, unsure of anything in the world given my inability as a dad to somehow redirect my sons from unfortunate choices.

In December 2022, my longtime partner and I split—and she was and still is a supernatural human being to me, so lovely in every way. My inability to embrace myself, love, or even her, however, had devastating consequences, and the unthinkable occurred when we parted ways.

I am still in love with this woman and will always love her, and yet the pain I experienced opened up a pathway on which I now walk with attention and care. This latest file in The Philosopher Files is my attempt to accept my responsibilities and share my vulnerabilities.

Me and my boys

My Apology
Until December 2022, I lived a life in the shadows, holding onto ideas, feelings, perceptions, and ways of being that appeared fine to the outside world, but were privately destructive. My personal life reflected my internal chaos.

At the same time, I had countless conversations throughout my life where I expressed knowledge on something. I (subtly) dismissed perspectives, acted impatiently, and otherwise did not consider the feelings or ideas of others in the ways that I believe with all my heart are so essential to a compassionate life.

To anyone with whom I ever spoke prior to December 2022, I apologize for not holding you with the love I feel in my heart but was afraid to express. I have hurt people, chopped down trees, stepped on spiders, and acted in ways that do not reflect a love I hold for the universe and everything in it. To every life form—even in microscopic form—I apologize and thank you for your existence.

To my parents, I love you. Your consistency and support has been a rock in my otherwise fluid existence that often times flows in directions I could neither understand or love. As you age, I feel new emotions and will watch over you to ensure you are safe and happy as you define these terms.

To my sons, I love you with all my being. I would not change you in any way nor would I wish you to be different. I am proud to be your dad and love being your father. I have cried a million tears of joy and a million tears of pain as your dad, and each drop was beautiful. The love I feel for you has no conditions. I cherish you both.

To the woman who went on her own path in December 2022, I am sorry in all universes. I really did see you, and I believe you saw me, too. The love I felt and feel for you is wild, durable, expanding, textured, soft, gentle, malleable, regenerative, evolving, real, forever, boundless and will never dissipate. I love you more each day regardless as to whether or I not I ever see you again. You are that kind of woman.

To the universe, I have infinite love, which does not mean I will not make mistakes, or feel sad, or confused. It does, however, mean that I have stepped outside the shadows of myself…

Robert Levey Now
The Loneliness

The Loneliness

Feb 6, 2022 | Social Media

It has been reported that the feeling of loneliness may be correlated with the use of social media, and, even at face value, there seems to be merit in these reports.

It is rare–or does it even happen at all–when someone posts the moment of a sadness, the moment when something went absolutely wrong. “Wait, stay right there, let me grab my phone so I can take a picture of you crying at the news your grandmother just passed away.”

Such “moments” do not happen, because there is something patently absurd about stopping a moment to share it without fully experiencing it. There is something terribly isolating when one uses social media to the extent that it becomes embedded in one’s experiences of moments.

We are missing something out there, and technology can capture it. wait, we can edit the moment with a filter. We can edit reality itself, right?

Maybe we can. Maybe reality is turning into a digital experience. Maybe we are evolving, and love, hate, anger and sadness can all be adequately felt through a screen.

There just seems to be something so lonely about the experience of social media, staring down at a tiny screen, plugging into a matrix that mines your use of it for data that is then sold to companies that try to sell you. Social media is not all bad. There are wonderful moments captured on there that indeed are beautiful, raw, poignant.

Rather, we are referring to the rank and file, the ones who watch others on social media in abject silence. These are the forgettable people who are not worthy of being watched themselves. They are lonely, maybe even petty, possibly not. They are right, however, about one thing. They are forgettable–and most people are, which is a shame.

Jumping Ship

Jumping Ship

Jul 22, 2021 | Millennials

There is something to be said about jumping off of the proverbial ‘Millennial Falcon,’ this notion that people in their 20s and 30s do not just understand social media better (and they do), they understand more about life.

It is impossible that any one generation has THE answer(s), but millennials benefit from the visual nature of social media, which ‘captures’ their enlightenment. It is a preposterous idea, but one marketed to great effect.

Imagine if Baby Boomers had access to such technology in the 60’s? Surely, their message of peace and love seemed right. We see copious footage from TV and movies that demonstrate the force of their beliefs, but what we are missing is the platform of social media afforded to millennials that codify their ‘brand’ of knowledge.

What do millennials know? They know how to use technology, and this singular bit of knowledge bleeds into other areas of life and society. They know things, and with the click of a button this knowledge will be imparted to all.

There is something magical and yet predictable in the knowledge of young people. They KNOW, because they do not know what they do not know. Add on 15 years, a divorce perhaps, the birth of a child (or two), debt, wrinkles, the loss of one’s hair or job, and what you have is reality.

Reality is not pretty, nor do millennials possess a deeper understanding of it than anyone else. Like anyone, everyone, they are what they are, and it is neither good nor bad.

It is time, however, to abandon the ‘Millennial Falcon.’ Like all modes of transportation, it will eventually run aground or get blasted from the sky.

It is time to jump ship…