Great Pains

Great Pains

Great pains
Love is not a place,
or strategy,
direction,
or inflection
of voice,
or choice,
thing,
way,
or dream,
even though
it may seem
like one
to me,
a man
lost in his own sea
and multiple versions of ‘me’,
each one a fortress
designed to shut out the mystery
of self
and the feelings in my head,
as I struggle to remember
what I meant
when I said
my soul had limits,
and boundaries,
and things no one could understand.
———–
As I bid adieu
to the many versions of you
who
were me,
I wonder at your place
in my story,
your history in my space,
as I age in place
without an observable trace
of the pain I experienced
and caused,
the scars
inside my heart
that will not heal,
because some questions go unanswered
and perhaps are not real.
———–
In a world full of 6-figure dreams,
it seems
like the cost of what I gain
causes too much pain
inside my heart
and the nature of my soul
tucked away inside
the forest that is childhood,
sprawling,
crawling
with wonder
and hope and sounds
within smells inside memories
caressed by small hands
that held nothing
except everything
I needed in moments
framed within a boundless imagination
near streams
and stones
that knew
and know
that the nature of myself
is but a ripple in a sea
that is and is not me,
and so we
undulate together
in a galaxy
far, far away
on a summer day,
dreaming of childhood’s end
and what’s around the bend,
future and past
nearly touching a charcoal sky,
stars twinkling,
I ask why,
but is that the question
I need answered before I die?
———–
I guess the answer depends
on whether there is a distinction
between the means and ends
and how I tell my story
and whether I frame myself as a hero
or simply a man
without any answer
or plan.
The universe is vast,
but is it grand?
Is there land
beyond the sea
that is me?
Is there a hard edge to finity,
or might I slip through
my own reverie
to discover I am
but one blade of prairie grass
swaying in the great pains of life…

Selfies

Selfies

There is something unnerving about our reliance on presenting ourselves to “the world” through the use of ‘selfies.’ It is as if our ability to capture an image of ourselves with the use of a phone’s camera indicates something about our inherent power as humans.

How many people are out there explaining to us that all we need to do is X, Y, and Z, and we will somehow achieve our dreams? Must our dreams be quantifiable to the masses? Must we curate ourselves for an audience that for the most part really does not truly care for our struggles at all, but rather the image of “perfection” we instead project?

Is anyone else exhausted from the hordes of individuals peddling their senseless ‘wares’ to the masses, as if they have the answers alone? Must we suffer through one more pointless podcast that we immediately forget when we put down our phones and return to our real lives?

Let me qualify the above statement, as not all podcasts are pointless. There are incredible podcasts out there, but there are also a plethora of podcasts that reinforce our brokenness as a society.

The term, power, does not merely connote an idea of strength; rather, it also speaks of our fragility. We are born, we grow, we live, and we die. This universe is so vast that the word itself is empty, as worlds within worlds spin inside our molecules, while something we name dark matter is thought to make up nearly one-third of the matter-energy composition of the universe.

Maybe ‘power’ can be reframed as a feeling of self. For instance, perhaps power is something we feel by ourselves in the woods on a hike at a moment in which we simply feel “okay” for a moment to be our fragile selves. Maybe power is an emotion we feel as we watch our kids grow up only to realize (later) we must let them go – literally and figuratively. Maybe power is recognizing that nothing we do matters in a universe that is so vast that it is still beginning 13.5 billion light years away. Maybe power is the recognition that everything matters.

When we stop our lives to take pictures and tell the world how strong we are at that very moment, it is a wonderful sentiment, but perhaps it is misguided. Perhaps the energy we spend investing in our idea of the world might be best spent embracing ourselves so we may literally and figuratively embrace others.

There is nothing necessarily wrong with ‘selfies’ at all. It could be viewed as an invitiation. I suppose the question here is what do we wish to project through the use of a ‘selfie?’ Are we projecting our very selves, or are we projecting a passing intepretation of what we think we might be? But for whom is this projection? Why?

Perhaps, a’selfie’ does not just refer to photography, but rather an intent to present parts of ourselves we feel comfortble sharing while omitting what we may consider ‘dark.’ What if we shared our darkness? What if we allowed others inside our brokenness?

A wise woman said to me recently that our brokenness is what makes us whole. As a man, I have always run away from my brokenness. Perhaps many of us run from it. Perhaps Smokey Robinson says it best in Tears of a Clown