Yesterday, I was on a run near a river and actively pondering the experience of love when I had a profound realization about myself that I think is relevant for others. All my life, love has been an experience for me that has felt so utterly massive, so real, that I have run from it. I went out on my run yesterday with the intent to explore why this is the case, and I unexpectedly ran into an answer.

The feeling of love is so beautiful to me, and yet it hurts my soul, which is the first part of the realization I had yesterday. It hurts me so deeply — and as I said this statement and felt the idea in my heart, I began to cry. I embraced in that moment my vulnerability and did not run from it in my heart. Unexpectedly, I then realized why it hurts me so bad.

When I feel deep love, I cease to exist. Everything ceases to exist. What she said, I did, she did, we did, I believe, I want, I need, my pain, her pain — all of that disappears and nothing else exists in the fullest expression and experience of love. I find that so scary, because my very identity hinges on my beliefs, my needs, her needs, or what I can and cannot do, right?

Well, that depends. Am I just an American? Am I just a white man? Am I Robert or Rob? When I feel love and embrace it authentically, I cease to exist, and love becomes everything in the universe. I have felt this potential in my heart all my life, and I have run from it because it has hurt me and scared me.

I am delicate — and yet in that delicacy there exists a way of life and love with unlimited potential, and this potential is not in me, but in the field around me. I had a conversation this week with someone, and she invited me to embrace the field and move past ‘this’ or ‘that.’ I embraced her suggestion, and I feel (even if I cannot adequately convey in words) differently about everything.

As I put my hands on my knees yesterday and cried with ferocity, I ceased to exist — and for the first time in my life, I was not afraid. I feel afraid right now, because parts of me still hold on to what I love, how I love, and why I love. This is a process, however, and not a destination.

The last part of my realization is that my current heartache is my friend. I would not be here in this space without this friend. I’m scared of this friend, but I recognize the need to embrace the heartache. There is still a ‘but’ in my thinking and feeling, and so my focus is on this area of my heart that resists this path.

I believe in absolute true love, and to live and express this is my life’s mission. I am not a writer, marketer, business person, professor, or anything else. I am a single strand of love that is woven in the tapestry of life, and I am being spun.

If true love is a place, then yesterday I saw the bus go by that can take me to it. I have never seen this bus before. The next time I see this bus go by, I will be ready. I am going to move to love forever — and if I cannot catch this bus, then I will run to love.

Sure, the cost is steep. I must let go of myself to embrace the love. For the first time in my existence, however, I do not feel scared of love, because I realize I am already in it…